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April 11 2017

On and on...

Sarte once said God is either detached from reality, remote. Or God is a part of everything in reality, embedded.
I think of words in the same tone. Every word I write becomes separate as soon as the letters hit the page. What was full of feeling and life in my fingers. A thought or an emotion in my mind and my heart. Becomes the dead skin of snake on the page. It looks like a snake, and it feels like a snake. But it has no bite. Words fail to connect because they are dead. Like a piece of fruit which loses it life the moment it is picked.
Today I feel like I can never tell you how I feel. I can say lonely, tired, bored and on and on. But those are just words.

April 10 2017

Time for bed

It was a good, productive day. And I felt good about the day, until I talked to one of the ASMs who said, "you couldn't do more." Thanks... I still have a mountain to climb: but I made progress today.
Now time for bed. I wish I could shut my brain off like a switch.

April 09 2017

Let's Do This

Day two of six. I've got a lot to do to catch up, and I intend to stay focused and get it done. This is the time to turn the corner in the right direction, and I can do it. I give myself little pep talks of what I accomplish everyday. Because there is so much undone still. And it is hard not to feel like I am failing: hard not to think everyone sees it, and knows.

April 08 2017

Time for a new week

I've been so lazy, but I miss writing here and sharing my day and thoughts. Tomorrow is the start of a long week. And starts early. I had a good day with friends, cleaning and resting. At work this week I need to stay focused and work hard to get my area up to standards: most of all my own. Over the last week a couple of factors have brought things to a point where a lot of loose ends are creating a mess. But in my own defense, many of those loose ends should have been taken care of by others. Time for bed. Goodnight.

I love this poem by Rilke

She must ever brood: I am… I am…
Who are you then, Marie?
I am queen! I am queen
On your knee there! On your knee!

She must ever weep: I was… I was…
Who were you then, Marie?
A no one’s child–I can’t say how–
but alone, in poverty.

And how could such a child become
a princess to whom one kneels?
Because all things are different now
from what a beggar feels.

So, things have raised you to such heights,
but you can’t tell how or when?
One night, one night, all in one night,
they changed towards me then.
I walked in the street and suddenly
it was stretched with trembling strings.
Marie became melody, melody…
and danced to their musicking.
The people cowered fearfully,
as if rooted by their feet.
It’s only a queen who dares to dance,
yes, dance in a city street!
-Rainer Maria Rilke

Things can change so quickly. Or maybe they don't change at all. It is never clear in the end if she may remain a beggar, and believe herself to be a queen. What kind of madness am I on the brink of myself?

April 03 2017


I called my regular mechanic today: who works with the shop where I bought the car. A couple good things came out of the discussion. He told me the job could be done by the shop near my house. Which is good news, just because it is so much closer. I mentioned my previous discussion with the guy at the car dealership. He explained it was just the way the guy was, but he would talk to him. Then we talked about my brakes, and I told him how Les Schwab has given me wrong information about the amount of brakes I had left. My mechanic told me since he should have noticed the brakes, he would do the back brakes for me. I really feel better in general about the repair. He believes it will be covered, and a good amount of the rental as well. He told me if there are any problems to call him. So I called the shop by my house, and I drop the car off tomorrow. Thier going to call the company and find out about coverage. It has only been a day, and I really am starting to miss my car. So, I am hopeful it will only take about a week to fix.

April 01 2017

I see some people started April Fools early

IF you haven't seen the Google Maps Pac-Man game check it out. And Honda joined the fun this year too: https://goo.gl/7lS6S2.
But real news today is my car needs a serious repair. I am hoping it will be covered by the warranty I purchased with the vehicle, but I've been told I shouldn't drive it until it gets fixed. So, I am driving a rental for a few days at least. The good news is, if the repair is covered, at least some of the cost of the rental will be covered as well. I got a cheap car from Enterprise. But the whole thing leaves me feeling down, and a bit of a failure at life. I need a better job, with decent pay so I can afford a decent vehicle which doesn't have so many problems. But I don't even know where to look, or if decent jobs exist anymore.
I called the company I bought the car from and explained the problem. "I need the car for work," I told them. "Do you have another car?" (WTF, like everyone has another car) No. "Do you have a friend who would let you borrow their car?" (Again, WTF are they thinking) No. "Don't you have a friend who could drive you to work?" (Who are these people?) No. "What about the friend who drove you out here?" (Thanks for suggesting the idea, but I'm not going to ask my friends to wake up at 4 a.m. and drive me to work for the next week.) No. About this time I figure out they're going to be useless to me, and I just let them get off the phone.
Triple C Auto in Camas and Washougal if you want the same service when you have a problem. Ask for John.

March 29 2017


When you first work overtime it is a bit of a thrill. And the money is good. But after a while, the money isn't worth it: you feel tired and have no life. It becomes more of a drag. This week has given me more free time and it feels good.

Today I went to Camas with a friend. Then had dinner. We got cake for the birthday girl, and tried the old relighting candle trick: but she knew.

Now it is need time. Goodnight.

March 28 2017

I Ann going to bed early

Went to dinner with a friend for her birthday. And we took her young daughter; who had earned a free meal from school. The server asked when we were sat "did you do something amazing?" A couple also came in with a young son. The boy first was playing with another boy. Then with my friend's daughter. The server came back to write the check, and asked about the girl's age. We reminded her of the free meal. "Remember she did something amazing." The check was brought to us and the couple left. Then the server came and told us they had paid for our meal, because my friend's daughter did something amazing.
No news about the store manager. I'm going in at 5 and going to bed now. Goodnight.

March 27 2017


It is going to be an interesting day. I got a high shrink call in the morning, because of D8. I've never been on one of these calls before. And for a moment I thought it was a sign I had gotten the electronics job. Rumors around the store is they are hiring from outside the company. Of course, it isn't real until it is real. Speaking of jobs, we should be finding out about who our new store manager is tomorrow. I hope it is someone good, and I have reason to believe it isn't someone we know. My day went better. I worked with one of the CAP 1 associates, and it is a great relief to have a little help. But not something normal, and it takes a little getting used to every week. My departments are in good shape. Tomorrow should be a good day to make progress on the sales floor.

March 26 2017

I'm just discouraged

There was a chance, I thought there was a chance. Actually I believed there was a solid chance I would get it. I made a real effort. I tried to talk to the right people. But who were the right people. Everyone was pointing me to the corner of the circle. Not me said one manager, not me said another, and another. When I finally talked to someone who knew it became apparent: there probably isn't a chance.
I was listening to Leonard Cohen in the music store. A girl introduced me to Cohen back in the 90s. And I walked around the book store listening to his classic voice. His lyrics which are so deep and puzzling at the same time. It felt like the same rain outside falling as 20 years ago. The same songs, the same music store, the same aimless search for cheap music. And all around me my life is the same as it was 20 years ago. Believing in something which may be around the corner: but feels like it is much further away. And out of reach.
Then today. After two hours of sleep I went to work. The backroom was a mess. Piles and piles of unworked stock. I killed five pallets and fixed two features. Before attempting to get price changes done before they are late. But the boss yelled at me for price changes, when there is piles and piles of stock needing to be worked. But I've grown used to there being a mess in the backroom. And I work hard to get my price changes done on time. Not hard enough this week.
Everyone was in a mood today. Maybe it is the uncertainty. We should know who our new store manager is on Monday. It could be Dugan, it could be Barry, it could be someone we don't know. And I wonder about my own plans. Can I make it to 5 years?
What I really need is a good night of sleep.

March 25 2017

It is going to be an early start

I wanted to write more, but i have to work early tomorrow. Goodnight.

March 23 2017

A very up/down day

I really can't say much about either. But I've got some good and bad news. I'm just a little uncertain about the future.

March 22 2017

A rough day

It was a rough day. I tried to get as much as I could done. And I tried to get the zone going, which is hard. I know everyone is busy, but having a bad attitude doesn't help. Which reminds me of what another associate said today. They were talking about not being happy at work. We choose to go to work. And we can choose to be happy. There must be something to find enjoyable about the job. And if you really can't, quit.

March 21 2017

New Adventure

I did the cart rail at work today. And it looks good: I think it looks good. But it was a tired day, and I am tired. Goodnight.

March 20 2017

I got a lot done

I didn't get everything done today. But I got a lot done, and it feels good. Now I'm watching Mystery Science Theater on Netflix. Tomorrow I got price changes, and do some basics I didn't get done today. Congrats to a friend on her half-promotion. I am adjusting better to my glasses.

March 19 2017

Time for bed

But isn't it always time for bed. Had a good weekend. Got a lot of relaxing done. Been trying to get used to my glasses, not 100 percent, but going well. I'm excited about work tomorrow and a new week. I'm getting to bed a touch early. I'm ready for the changes and for some uncertainty to end. Not that it will happen this week: but i can hope.

March 18 2017

It has been a couple days: I'll do better

It has been a couple days. I have gotten out of the habit/pattern of posting every day. Today was my day off, and it was a good one. I got some minor work done on my car. And I got news about one last issue which needs to be addressed. The car is running great, so neither of the items were major. I also got myself a nice new blanket and a few pillows. Actually I got the pillows yesterday. Tomorrow I need to hit the gym. Maybe I can get a friend to go with me. Oh, I got my new glasses yesterday - and I like them.

March 16 2017

The changes are still coming...

It may just be the way our store will always be with staffing. But there are still some big changes which could/will take place in the coming weeks. Everytime someone leaves, it feels like the store changes. It isn't the same store as when I started. Some for better, some for worse. Of course every new person changes the store also. And I like our store. But losing good people makes me sad.

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