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November 19 2017

Dreams

I know when I write about my dreams I tend to remember them more. But the last week has been a bit of a change from the normal stress. But I do have a dream  I recall a little. I was in a tunnel, or service conduit under the ground. I was with another person, explaining a process. I don't know what the process was, but as the person is talking about it, the process is happening. I only recall at one point a machine cuts holes in the top, and then slices an opening from one side to the other and I feel like we should be some place safer.

There are some big changes I expect in the next couple weeks. I can write more soon, but I am respecting requests for privacy from other parties. 

November 14 2017

Moments

She was naked
and cold
ocean water still in her hair
we sat on the cliff
overlooking the nude beach
and for some reason
She sat in my lap

November 13 2017

No Dreams Tonight

It was a short restless night of sleep, and I don't recall any of my dreams. Today on the other hand was long, and very active. Like the last few days of work I was on the register and pushing carts. What this means is the story is busy, and this is good news. Having to push carts is a problem I don't mind. I arrived at work early and got a late mod done first thing. I feel good about finally getting it done. Tonight I am going to finish this and go to sleep. Goodnight.

November 11 2017

Odd Dreams

I had a dream I was playing on an NES, and it must have been a re-make of the old system. Because it had all the old games on one cartridge. There was SimCity (actually several versions of the game), and a roller coaster game. But I couldn't decide on a game to play.

In another dream I moved all of a sudden to Nevada. I don't recall the name of the town. In the dream it seemed like a random move, and I wasn't sure how long it would last. But, I was thinking to myself, "I've always wanted to move to Nevada." Actually I've always wanted to move to Utah more. And in the dream I decided I wasn't going to tell anyone where I lived.

Then I had a dream I was at a store. I don't think it was a Walmart. But there was a cake someone ordered. I thought I would try and steal it. I carried it around the store, but put it down before I left. In the dream I just felt nervous about trying to steal and getting caught. I felt like if I got caught I would get fired, which would be upsetting. But I also felt bad about trying to steal because people trust me. In real life I haven't stolen anything from a store in many many years.

I know it feels like a lot of random disconnected dreams. There was also one where I was going home. But it was a place I had lived previously, not in real life. But when I got to the place in the dream, the people there were surprised to see me. I backed out and explained I had forgotten I moved.

Moments

The cold dark flashing night
around me is an unknown park
the rain falls heavy and wet
I huddle alone
in a state I don't recall
maybe Kansas: a long way from home
but where is home?

November 09 2017

Church Fire

I had a dream last night about a church which burned. In the dream I walked up on the building. The church was attached to another building. My first thought was, "again." In the dream I knew it had been burned just recently. But this time the fire had started in the adjacent building. The frame of the church stood, but it was gutted. Anyway, maybe I'll write about my dreams here more. I missed last night because I just forgot. Goodnight.

November 07 2017

Moments

A warm Texas night
he bends over next to a dumpster
throwing up
trying to throw up
to purge life, be empty
there is a gas leak across town
it is three a.m.
and he isn't sure why he is awake
but he walks the night
alone

November 06 2017

Day 2

It was a long day. I had strange dreams again last night. One about a traffic accident. Someone was driving the wrong direction on a one-way street. It was snowing. When cars going the right way reacted to the wrong-way-driver they slid out of control and crashed. So I flagged down traffic and directed it to a side street. Is this my life? Am I going the wrong way? Am I crashing? Today didn't feel like a good day. Goodnight.

November 05 2017

A dream and writing

I had a dream last night about an old friend. I was talking to him today, and found out he had written a book about me. I wanted to read the book, and I started to read but woke up. I went back to sleep and back to the dream. I was flipping through the book and wasn't sure it was about me. But then I found a page with my name on it. I tried to find it again, and I couldn't before I woke up again.

I like the idea of someone writing a book about my life, but there isn't anyone who can. I mean there isn't anyone who has been there and seen it. All those who are here now, were not there then: and those who were there are lost to time and death.

But today I am writing again, and I plan to try and write every day. Because maybe the point of the dream really is I need to start writing my own story again. And this is the story telling medium of our time.

Time to dream another story.


May 07 2017

Been working too much

Finally got two days off. It feels good to get some rest, do some cleaning and read a little. Tomorrow I am back to work. And I wish I believed there wasn't going to be a mess awaiting me. I've been posting photos to my "Day" on Facebook messenger, which is fun.
Yesterday I went to see some good high school drama. Yeah, real high school drama. A friend's daughter was in Beauty and the Beast at the local high school. It was fun and cute. And her daughter did great.
Now I just need a week off to get some real rest, reading and chores done.

April 17 2017

Change is in the air

Since we now have a store manager, and a long-missed ASM is returning: it is time to think about what the next steps for myself are at Walmart. I have some ideas, which may seem crazy. But they could also be an exciting challenge, and help me to grow as a person and with the company.

April 13 2017

Today's Rant

So here's my rant for today. I know we're all busy at the store. And I know it is a small store and we all have to get a lot done. But "I don't have time," doesn't work. If you see a problem, fix it. Maybe you can't fix everything right away, but a lot of things can get done quickly. But leaving problems just means they are going to build up. And yeah, it might not be something in your department: but we only have one store. And the customers don't care about departments. But also, we need to help each other. If you see an associate about to lift a pallet, offer to help. You don't have to be asked all the time. If someone doesn't want, or need, the help they can tell you. If someone is making a bale, offer to help. The baler itself is an area where people routinely shirk. The real thing is this: at the end of the day if we don't all hang together, we will all hang separately.

April 12 2017

Rough Day

It started out rough and it ended rough. I need sleep.

April 11 2017

On and on...

Sarte once said God is either detached from reality, remote. Or God is a part of everything in reality, embedded.
I think of words in the same tone. Every word I write becomes separate as soon as the letters hit the page. What was full of feeling and life in my fingers. A thought or an emotion in my mind and my heart. Becomes the dead skin of snake on the page. It looks like a snake, and it feels like a snake. But it has no bite. Words fail to connect because they are dead. Like a piece of fruit which loses it life the moment it is picked.
Today I feel like I can never tell you how I feel. I can say lonely, tired, bored and on and on. But those are just words.

April 10 2017

Time for bed

It was a good, productive day. And I felt good about the day, until I talked to one of the ASMs who said, "you couldn't do more." Thanks... I still have a mountain to climb: but I made progress today.
Now time for bed. I wish I could shut my brain off like a switch.

April 09 2017

Let's Do This

Day two of six. I've got a lot to do to catch up, and I intend to stay focused and get it done. This is the time to turn the corner in the right direction, and I can do it. I give myself little pep talks of what I accomplish everyday. Because there is so much undone still. And it is hard not to feel like I am failing: hard not to think everyone sees it, and knows.

April 08 2017

Time for a new week

I've been so lazy, but I miss writing here and sharing my day and thoughts. Tomorrow is the start of a long week. And starts early. I had a good day with friends, cleaning and resting. At work this week I need to stay focused and work hard to get my area up to standards: most of all my own. Over the last week a couple of factors have brought things to a point where a lot of loose ends are creating a mess. But in my own defense, many of those loose ends should have been taken care of by others. Time for bed. Goodnight.

I love this poem by Rilke

She must ever brood: I am… I am…
Who are you then, Marie?
I am queen! I am queen
On your knee there! On your knee!

She must ever weep: I was… I was…
Who were you then, Marie?
A no one’s child–I can’t say how–
but alone, in poverty.

And how could such a child become
a princess to whom one kneels?
Because all things are different now
from what a beggar feels.

So, things have raised you to such heights,
but you can’t tell how or when?
One night, one night, all in one night,
they changed towards me then.
I walked in the street and suddenly
it was stretched with trembling strings.
Marie became melody, melody…
and danced to their musicking.
The people cowered fearfully,
as if rooted by their feet.
It’s only a queen who dares to dance,
yes, dance in a city street!
-Rainer Maria Rilke

Things can change so quickly. Or maybe they don't change at all. It is never clear in the end if she may remain a beggar, and believe herself to be a queen. What kind of madness am I on the brink of myself?

April 03 2017

Update

I called my regular mechanic today: who works with the shop where I bought the car. A couple good things came out of the discussion. He told me the job could be done by the shop near my house. Which is good news, just because it is so much closer. I mentioned my previous discussion with the guy at the car dealership. He explained it was just the way the guy was, but he would talk to him. Then we talked about my brakes, and I told him how Les Schwab has given me wrong information about the amount of brakes I had left. My mechanic told me since he should have noticed the brakes, he would do the back brakes for me. I really feel better in general about the repair. He believes it will be covered, and a good amount of the rental as well. He told me if there are any problems to call him. So I called the shop by my house, and I drop the car off tomorrow. Thier going to call the company and find out about coverage. It has only been a day, and I really am starting to miss my car. So, I am hopeful it will only take about a week to fix.

April 01 2017

I see some people started April Fools early

IF you haven't seen the Google Maps Pac-Man game check it out. And Honda joined the fun this year too: https://goo.gl/7lS6S2.
But real news today is my car needs a serious repair. I am hoping it will be covered by the warranty I purchased with the vehicle, but I've been told I shouldn't drive it until it gets fixed. So, I am driving a rental for a few days at least. The good news is, if the repair is covered, at least some of the cost of the rental will be covered as well. I got a cheap car from Enterprise. But the whole thing leaves me feeling down, and a bit of a failure at life. I need a better job, with decent pay so I can afford a decent vehicle which doesn't have so many problems. But I don't even know where to look, or if decent jobs exist anymore.
I called the company I bought the car from and explained the problem. "I need the car for work," I told them. "Do you have another car?" (WTF, like everyone has another car) No. "Do you have a friend who would let you borrow their car?" (Again, WTF are they thinking) No. "Don't you have a friend who could drive you to work?" (Who are these people?) No. "What about the friend who drove you out here?" (Thanks for suggesting the idea, but I'm not going to ask my friends to wake up at 4 a.m. and drive me to work for the next week.) No. About this time I figure out they're going to be useless to me, and I just let them get off the phone.
Triple C Auto in Camas and Washougal if you want the same service when you have a problem. Ask for John.
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