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March 16 2018

The Time is Now

Did you ever want to walk away,
just put it all down and walk away.

I feel like Charles Bukowski working at the post office.
But I'm not a drunk and I have even less luck with women.

If you do the same things, you get the same things.
And the same things aren't making me happy anymore.

Hours and hours, day after day at a job,
where every day I just come home tired and defeated.

There is still a spark of hope in my heart for a change.
I can still live a different life. One with meaning.

It has been almost five years,
what comes next and when?

February 21 2018

Words

I could say it all, but none of it would change the world, or change your heart. It is just words.

November 26 2017

I've had this dream before... kind of.

So I was in a building, it was a tall building. And it had a deep basement. There was a stairwell which went all the way to the bottom. And you could look all the way down it basically. This was the tallest building in town, and I was talking to some people who said they lived in the basement at the bottom. Somehow they could get into the stairwell and would climb down all the floors to the bottom. They took me with them to show me. The variety of stairs changed from time to time as we went further down. I remember at one point they were a tight metal spiral staircase. I don't know I ever made it to the bottom, but at one point I was 164 floors underground. In the dream I told them something to the effect, "you live lower than anyone else in the city." But I meant it purely in an elevation sense. The building was on a slight hill and it made me question if I was right. One of the people was in a similar dream about the same building. But in that dream he had found a way to sleep on the top of the building and he was showing me how he got in the roof to camp out. In the other dream I remember I did make it to the roof, and walked around. During this dream I recalled talking to the person about sleeping on the roof, but it was remembered as being real, not as a dream.

November 21 2017

The future

I had a strange dream I was driving a limousine hearse. There was a dead president in the back (it wasn't Trump). I think it was Ford. I backed out of the lot, it was crowded and hard to drive through people. But the crowds thinned fast, and I was driving on the street. It was an odd mix of Arcata and Portland. They were rough and had red brick in places. It was a one way, and I knew I had to turn, and go the other way. There was a parallel one-way street. It is funny, but there was no escort, no motorcade, no police. It only strikes me now, but it was just me and I was slightly lost.

But I also had a dream I owned my own business. It was centered on a unique way of making soda or beer. Which is funny, because I don't drink either.

November 19 2017

Dreams

I know when I write about my dreams I tend to remember them more. But the last week has been a bit of a change from the normal stress. But I do have a dream  I recall a little. I was in a tunnel, or service conduit under the ground. I was with another person, explaining a process. I don't know what the process was, but as the person is talking about it, the process is happening. I only recall at one point a machine cuts holes in the top, and then slices an opening from one side to the other and I feel like we should be some place safer.

There are some big changes I expect in the next couple weeks. I can write more soon, but I am respecting requests for privacy from other parties. 

November 14 2017

Moments

She was naked
and cold
ocean water still in her hair
we sat on the cliff
overlooking the nude beach
and for some reason
She sat in my lap

November 13 2017

No Dreams Tonight

It was a short restless night of sleep, and I don't recall any of my dreams. Today on the other hand was long, and very active. Like the last few days of work I was on the register and pushing carts. What this means is the story is busy, and this is good news. Having to push carts is a problem I don't mind. I arrived at work early and got a late mod done first thing. I feel good about finally getting it done. Tonight I am going to finish this and go to sleep. Goodnight.

November 11 2017

Odd Dreams

I had a dream I was playing on an NES, and it must have been a re-make of the old system. Because it had all the old games on one cartridge. There was SimCity (actually several versions of the game), and a roller coaster game. But I couldn't decide on a game to play.

In another dream I moved all of a sudden to Nevada. I don't recall the name of the town. In the dream it seemed like a random move, and I wasn't sure how long it would last. But, I was thinking to myself, "I've always wanted to move to Nevada." Actually I've always wanted to move to Utah more. And in the dream I decided I wasn't going to tell anyone where I lived.

Then I had a dream I was at a store. I don't think it was a Walmart. But there was a cake someone ordered. I thought I would try and steal it. I carried it around the store, but put it down before I left. In the dream I just felt nervous about trying to steal and getting caught. I felt like if I got caught I would get fired, which would be upsetting. But I also felt bad about trying to steal because people trust me. In real life I haven't stolen anything from a store in many many years.

I know it feels like a lot of random disconnected dreams. There was also one where I was going home. But it was a place I had lived previously, not in real life. But when I got to the place in the dream, the people there were surprised to see me. I backed out and explained I had forgotten I moved.

Moments

The cold dark flashing night
around me is an unknown park
the rain falls heavy and wet
I huddle alone
in a state I don't recall
maybe Kansas: a long way from home
but where is home?

November 09 2017

Church Fire

I had a dream last night about a church which burned. In the dream I walked up on the building. The church was attached to another building. My first thought was, "again." In the dream I knew it had been burned just recently. But this time the fire had started in the adjacent building. The frame of the church stood, but it was gutted. Anyway, maybe I'll write about my dreams here more. I missed last night because I just forgot. Goodnight.

November 07 2017

Moments

A warm Texas night
he bends over next to a dumpster
throwing up
trying to throw up
to purge life, be empty
there is a gas leak across town
it is three a.m.
and he isn't sure why he is awake
but he walks the night
alone

November 06 2017

Day 2

It was a long day. I had strange dreams again last night. One about a traffic accident. Someone was driving the wrong direction on a one-way street. It was snowing. When cars going the right way reacted to the wrong-way-driver they slid out of control and crashed. So I flagged down traffic and directed it to a side street. Is this my life? Am I going the wrong way? Am I crashing? Today didn't feel like a good day. Goodnight.

November 05 2017

A dream and writing

I had a dream last night about an old friend. I was talking to him today, and found out he had written a book about me. I wanted to read the book, and I started to read but woke up. I went back to sleep and back to the dream. I was flipping through the book and wasn't sure it was about me. But then I found a page with my name on it. I tried to find it again, and I couldn't before I woke up again.

I like the idea of someone writing a book about my life, but there isn't anyone who can. I mean there isn't anyone who has been there and seen it. All those who are here now, were not there then: and those who were there are lost to time and death.

But today I am writing again, and I plan to try and write every day. Because maybe the point of the dream really is I need to start writing my own story again. And this is the story telling medium of our time.

Time to dream another story.


May 07 2017

Been working too much

Finally got two days off. It feels good to get some rest, do some cleaning and read a little. Tomorrow I am back to work. And I wish I believed there wasn't going to be a mess awaiting me. I've been posting photos to my "Day" on Facebook messenger, which is fun.
Yesterday I went to see some good high school drama. Yeah, real high school drama. A friend's daughter was in Beauty and the Beast at the local high school. It was fun and cute. And her daughter did great.
Now I just need a week off to get some real rest, reading and chores done.

April 17 2017

Change is in the air

Since we now have a store manager, and a long-missed ASM is returning: it is time to think about what the next steps for myself are at Walmart. I have some ideas, which may seem crazy. But they could also be an exciting challenge, and help me to grow as a person and with the company.

April 13 2017

Today's Rant

So here's my rant for today. I know we're all busy at the store. And I know it is a small store and we all have to get a lot done. But "I don't have time," doesn't work. If you see a problem, fix it. Maybe you can't fix everything right away, but a lot of things can get done quickly. But leaving problems just means they are going to build up. And yeah, it might not be something in your department: but we only have one store. And the customers don't care about departments. But also, we need to help each other. If you see an associate about to lift a pallet, offer to help. You don't have to be asked all the time. If someone doesn't want, or need, the help they can tell you. If someone is making a bale, offer to help. The baler itself is an area where people routinely shirk. The real thing is this: at the end of the day if we don't all hang together, we will all hang separately.

April 12 2017

Rough Day

It started out rough and it ended rough. I need sleep.

April 11 2017

On and on...

Sarte once said God is either detached from reality, remote. Or God is a part of everything in reality, embedded.
I think of words in the same tone. Every word I write becomes separate as soon as the letters hit the page. What was full of feeling and life in my fingers. A thought or an emotion in my mind and my heart. Becomes the dead skin of snake on the page. It looks like a snake, and it feels like a snake. But it has no bite. Words fail to connect because they are dead. Like a piece of fruit which loses it life the moment it is picked.
Today I feel like I can never tell you how I feel. I can say lonely, tired, bored and on and on. But those are just words.

April 10 2017

Time for bed

It was a good, productive day. And I felt good about the day, until I talked to one of the ASMs who said, "you couldn't do more." Thanks... I still have a mountain to climb: but I made progress today.
Now time for bed. I wish I could shut my brain off like a switch.

April 09 2017

Let's Do This

Day two of six. I've got a lot to do to catch up, and I intend to stay focused and get it done. This is the time to turn the corner in the right direction, and I can do it. I give myself little pep talks of what I accomplish everyday. Because there is so much undone still. And it is hard not to feel like I am failing: hard not to think everyone sees it, and knows.

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